"I had actually come home a week earlier than I was supposed to from the Air Force (this was a good 15 years ago), and figured I'd surprise her since she'd always talk about how much she misses me, would always send me pictures of her in the mail and write these long letters talking about our future together. Naturally, I assumed she would be more than excited to see me walk in the door a week early. I pulled up to the house and figured she was home because her car was there, so I was as quiet as possible. Even parked my car down the street a little so she didn't see me pull up and ruin the surprise. I quietly put the key in the lock and slowly twisted... opened the door and the living room was dark. I thought maybe she got picked up by some friends and went out somewhere. Oh well, even better! I'll set up our room by going to get some flowers and making everything look all romantic and irresistible (hey it's been a few months, I was a bit pent up at that point). I start walking towards the bedroom, and I hear this rhythmic squeaking noise followed by a deep grunt. My instinct reaction was someone broke in and is trying to rip something off the wall, so I went into *ss kicking mode until a few seconds later I heard a high pitched moan of a female. Yeah... I recognized that sound pretty well, and knew what was happening. Being military, I knew the worst possible thing I could do was anything violent, so I wanted to f*ck up whatever 'moment' they were having. I walked towards the room very quietly while they went at it... of course they didn't hear me because they were far too 'deep' in their actions. Luckily the door was halfway open so I got down and started crawling towards the bed out of their line of sight, slithered over to the edge of the bed they were closest to and started slowly inching my head up the side until just my eyes were above the edge. It took her a good minute (she was on the bottom) before she looked over and saw angry eyes staring at her. She freaked out so bad that she kicked the dude in the face and he fell off the bed and hit his head on the wall, she screamed louder than I've heard anyone scream in my life and bounced off the bed in a flailing, sweaty mess and I heard her *ss hit the ground with a satisfying thud. I stood up and the guy was in a heap on the floor scared sh*tless at this dude in full military garb standing over him with crazy eyes. She finally realized who it was and started bawling her eyes out saying 'i'm so sorry! I was lonely!' blah blah blah... who cares. I started laughing hysterically and all I said was 'Well dude, she's your problem now. Hope you don't mind herpes'. Walked out and blocked her from my life. Only to go on and date someone else who made my life miserable for the next 12 years. I really know how to pick 'em."